My Notebook

My Notebook

8.30 a.m. 5^th May 2020

Post retirement, I have been spending precious hours book searching – new books to read,  hard copies or on my precious Kindle (last year’s gift from Lin), and old books kept for pleasure reading during my so-called Chapter Three of my life. In the process, I had the great joy of finding many of to read/reread books. On the other hand, I also went through agonizing searches for a few crucial books which probably have gone with renovation or spring cleaning debris.

I still wake up bursting with ideas which seem to form or reemerge during sleep. I told Siew Lay, my retirement buddy that I seem unable to get out of the hyped-up mode. I go to sleep having to quell my excitement, and I wake up feeling high! After being shackled by the increasingly long and tedious hours of school life, I feel like a bird out of the cage. The liberty is exhilarating! Puan Norizan advised me to do what I like, and like what I do. This is the exact motto I hold on to now. The few months before retirement had weighed me down to the point I told Puan Chia I had forgotten how the horizon looked like when she asked if I was looking forward to retirement. Goodness, it has been 5 precious months. 

I believe this is not a temporary phase. The first time I felt this way was after the near death experience delivering Lin. I felt I had to thank the universe for returning my life by working hard as a teacher. That hyped-up feeling lasted 30 years of my teaching life. The second time was in 2011 when I had a hysterectomy. The young Dr Amir told me I had come to the crossroads of my life, when I cried about the bad timing due to the exams season. The so-called Chapter Three is pure retirement-induced ecstasy!

Coincidentally, all the three phases of recharging my life batteries happened during major events in my life. With the first event of starting my life as a mother, came the transfer to MGSKL, where I was to spend more than 21 years. My biggest regret is that not giving 100% of myself to motherhood. There were too many ‘urgent’ things demanding my attention – KH’s business ventures, school life which took most of my energy, family and in-laws, friends, managing my home. Sad to say, the little remnant of my energy was given to my children, who have all grown and moved on with their lives at a time when I am finally liberated to focus on them. I remind myself to stop regretting and to live in the present moment. It is ironic how high the opportunity costs are as a person who wanted it all! 

With the second phase crashing down on me, I had overworked in school and at work to the point I collapsed. When I finally safely came out from surgery, the letter transferring me out of MGSKL came. It was one of the hardest things in my life – after almost 1 year, I suddenly wept to KH that I felt like I had been amputated. Things happen for a reason has always been a doctrine I hold onto and impart to my children. However, during the dark hours, I just could not see the reason for the change. On hindsight, the reason was only fully revealed to me during the retirement ceremony.

With Chapter Three, I realize time seems to be running out. God had returned me my life on the two occasions. This time, how do I do better? I have two main aims – first is to repair all my shortcomings as a mother and a wife, and the second is to work on expanding my own horizon, which has always consisted of education.

Thank you Pa, for giving me the direction in life by inculcating the thirst for knowledge, especially through books. I will start afresh without my notebook, with a fervent prayer in my heart.