Mother's Day 2020

Coming of age mother

1.30 a.m. 11 May 2020

2020 is the year of many firsts for me. Retirement has been such a poignant milestone in my life that I seem to see everything with newly awakened senses – with wider yet deeper horizons, and gaining insights of myself, especially. 

This is the first Mother’s Day that I look deep inside, trying to understand my weaknesses more than my strengths, especially during the Covid-19 solitude. I have done a huge amount of soul searching, after awareness set in that the children have all grown, and are no longer dependent on me as their mother. They are no longer bound by needs of their mother, as much as the bonds of their love and affections for me. The complete paradigm shift has happened without me noticing.

The day began with Jean insisting on making orange cake, the family and Ama’s favourite. When the messages from Lin and Wan came in with all the emoticons, I was swamped by emotions. The fact that they are both half the world away has not been easy for us all – Lin in Dubai, Wan in Kursk. The call from Khing who is in Singapore came after 5.00 p.m. – she just had her breakfast (what?!) She has always taken full advantage of being the baby of the family. Chien in Spain was the last to join in the chorus, posting as many pictures and videos she could.

How do I begin to share permissible details of life as their mother, to help them understand the circumstances I have always felt necessary to shield them from? When they were younger, I often withdrew into my shell; thinking one day, I shall tell them the reasons behind many actions. The gap in family hierarchy had always kept us apart, often building bewilderment and even resentment. Now that we have all come of age, as parents and children; is it still necessary to reveal reasons to defend ourselves? Is the bond of love and affections sufficient to tide us into the future? 

The main point is, I no longer feel victimized by past circumstances. As our children, I pray that they will always trust us enough to come to us for explanations. Only by understanding each other can we all heal old wounds and move forward together as a family. We had successfully moved from the dependence stage to the independence stage. Now we must all successfully graduate to the interdependence stage, by building trust and understanding.

Zoom minus Lin

Lilysilk pyjama dress from Lin

My Notebook

My Notebook

8.30 a.m. 5^th May 2020

Post retirement, I have been spending precious hours book searching – new books to read,  hard copies or on my precious Kindle (last year’s gift from Lin), and old books kept for pleasure reading during my so-called Chapter Three of my life. In the process, I had the great joy of finding many of to read/reread books. On the other hand, I also went through agonizing searches for a few crucial books which probably have gone with renovation or spring cleaning debris.

I still wake up bursting with ideas which seem to form or reemerge during sleep. I told Siew Lay, my retirement buddy that I seem unable to get out of the hyped-up mode. I go to sleep having to quell my excitement, and I wake up feeling high! After being shackled by the increasingly long and tedious hours of school life, I feel like a bird out of the cage. The liberty is exhilarating! Puan Norizan advised me to do what I like, and like what I do. This is the exact motto I hold on to now. The few months before retirement had weighed me down to the point I told Puan Chia I had forgotten how the horizon looked like when she asked if I was looking forward to retirement. Goodness, it has been 5 precious months. 

I believe this is not a temporary phase. The first time I felt this way was after the near death experience delivering Lin. I felt I had to thank the universe for returning my life by working hard as a teacher. That hyped-up feeling lasted 30 years of my teaching life. The second time was in 2011 when I had a hysterectomy. The young Dr Amir told me I had come to the crossroads of my life, when I cried about the bad timing due to the exams season. The so-called Chapter Three is pure retirement-induced ecstasy!

Coincidentally, all the three phases of recharging my life batteries happened during major events in my life. With the first event of starting my life as a mother, came the transfer to MGSKL, where I was to spend more than 21 years. My biggest regret is that not giving 100% of myself to motherhood. There were too many ‘urgent’ things demanding my attention – KH’s business ventures, school life which took most of my energy, family and in-laws, friends, managing my home. Sad to say, the little remnant of my energy was given to my children, who have all grown and moved on with their lives at a time when I am finally liberated to focus on them. I remind myself to stop regretting and to live in the present moment. It is ironic how high the opportunity costs are as a person who wanted it all! 

With the second phase crashing down on me, I had overworked in school and at work to the point I collapsed. When I finally safely came out from surgery, the letter transferring me out of MGSKL came. It was one of the hardest things in my life – after almost 1 year, I suddenly wept to KH that I felt like I had been amputated. Things happen for a reason has always been a doctrine I hold onto and impart to my children. However, during the dark hours, I just could not see the reason for the change. On hindsight, the reason was only fully revealed to me during the retirement ceremony.

With Chapter Three, I realize time seems to be running out. God had returned me my life on the two occasions. This time, how do I do better? I have two main aims – first is to repair all my shortcomings as a mother and a wife, and the second is to work on expanding my own horizon, which has always consisted of education.

Thank you Pa, for giving me the direction in life by inculcating the thirst for knowledge, especially through books. I will start afresh without my notebook, with a fervent prayer in my heart.

The New Me

The New Me

4.15 p.m. 4^th May 2020

After a severe bout of flu and fever (which was a little worrying during the Covid 19 period), I woke up this morning, feeling ready to finally begin life as a retiree. No doubt the ceremony was held last year (31^st October 2019) and my official retirement began on my birthday.  Despite the initial headiness of the new found freedom, the chain of events had left me depleted each day – home renovation, spring cleaning, Chinese New Year bashes, trips to Penang and the ongoing crisis.  

During the last few days’ misery due to body aches, I had gone through some dark spells again, which was the first time since retiring. I thank God that Jean and Kok Hong were constantly around during the lockdown. Anyway, I am done with worrying and rehashing the past, and ready to start my new life. The children and Kok Hong are as well as I can hope for amidst all the uncertainties. All of them have been encouraging me to fully focus on my aspirations, and I shall strive to do my best. I choose to hold on to Datuk Bridget’s advice and her prophesy that there are only good things ahead.

The present health crisis has changed my mindset in so many ways. The plans for Lin and Michele’s wedding next year have become so much easier, with all priorities put in the right order. We are so thankful that she had chosen to go into e-commerce after graduation. With the vastly different landscape of education, Chien may have to change her plans. Khing is happy to stay put in NTU. This crisis presents many golden opportunities, according to Dr Mohamad, the Director of International Medical Institute, KSMU. With mixed feelings, we realized yesterday that we will have to cancel Wan’s return this year. 

With a prayer in our hearts, all of us must move forward, adapt to the new normal and work doubly hard towards our dreams.