Mother's Day 2020

Coming of age mother

1.30 a.m. 11 May 2020

2020 is the year of many firsts for me. Retirement has been such a poignant milestone in my life that I seem to see everything with newly awakened senses – with wider yet deeper horizons, and gaining insights of myself, especially. 

This is the first Mother’s Day that I look deep inside, trying to understand my weaknesses more than my strengths, especially during the Covid-19 solitude. I have done a huge amount of soul searching, after awareness set in that the children have all grown, and are no longer dependent on me as their mother. They are no longer bound by needs of their mother, as much as the bonds of their love and affections for me. The complete paradigm shift has happened without me noticing.

The day began with Jean insisting on making orange cake, the family and Ama’s favourite. When the messages from Lin and Wan came in with all the emoticons, I was swamped by emotions. The fact that they are both half the world away has not been easy for us all – Lin in Dubai, Wan in Kursk. The call from Khing who is in Singapore came after 5.00 p.m. – she just had her breakfast (what?!) She has always taken full advantage of being the baby of the family. Chien in Spain was the last to join in the chorus, posting as many pictures and videos she could.

How do I begin to share permissible details of life as their mother, to help them understand the circumstances I have always felt necessary to shield them from? When they were younger, I often withdrew into my shell; thinking one day, I shall tell them the reasons behind many actions. The gap in family hierarchy had always kept us apart, often building bewilderment and even resentment. Now that we have all come of age, as parents and children; is it still necessary to reveal reasons to defend ourselves? Is the bond of love and affections sufficient to tide us into the future? 

The main point is, I no longer feel victimized by past circumstances. As our children, I pray that they will always trust us enough to come to us for explanations. Only by understanding each other can we all heal old wounds and move forward together as a family. We had successfully moved from the dependence stage to the independence stage. Now we must all successfully graduate to the interdependence stage, by building trust and understanding.

Zoom minus Lin

Lilysilk pyjama dress from Lin