Facebook

Up to today, I still have a vague idea how facebook really works - meaning, how much of my writings and information is shown to everyone online. I do feel so exposed, although I am sure the photos and personal data posted are 'safe' enough. 

Chien and Lin advised me to post my blog on fb when I lamented on the number of followers I have. Feeling very confident one day, I did exactly that. Sad to say, no one is interested in this mean mom though. Maybe I have to change the title, maybe no one likes to read essays, maybe I have to put in more shocking news...

Then, there was the news that I was blocked by my own daughter, namely Rin Law, because "no one in her right mind would be fb friends with her mom." Well, pleasant surprise to me today when there was a request to be fb friends again. 

Does this piece of news interest someone enough to be a new follower of this blog? 

Sex Education

Two days ago, Khing asked me the meaning of "pleasures of the flesh". What kind of a topic for sex education is that? Not only we are not trained or equipped to teach this subject, and there is no set curriculum, now the barrage of questions hitting below the belt! Anyway, I avoided the topic, and avoided looking at her in the eyes -  educators would hit the roof. 

Yesterday, she told me she had found the answer to her question in the school. Looking at me knowingly, she said " But I am not going to tell you the answer." To my question, "Why not?"; she replied, "It's better for you not to know."

I have gone over this issue of how to broach sex education with my wiser counterparts, and all had told me to deal with it point blank. However, when faced with it again, I shirk my responsibility yet again. Again, I allow my children to find things out their own ways, hoping that the prayer I say in my heart will protect them. 

Just like the 'five second rule' they self-imposed. Sometime ago, when Khing dropped her food on the floor, she picked it up so quickly and popped it into her mouth before I could even stop her, informing me of the 'five second rule'. She said Wan had told her studies showed that if the food was off the floor within five seconds, it was still safe for consumption. Hmmm, is this about the Chinese saying that meant something like - children will still grow up, if they are used to unhygienic food? Help!

For the love of a school

Nestled in the green lungs of the city, the colonial main building rises majestically. Within it, the inhabitants go around, busy with their own schedules. I always wondered how many realise that it is only a temporary sanctuary  for all. If I could turn back the clock, I would treasure each moment I had there even more. I would take deeper breaths of the fresh air and keep it in my lungs. Like what  I told my girls during the farewell speech, as we breathe in the MGS air, the MGS blood flows in our veins.

As an outsider, I now look at its citizens with such envy and longing, knowing that I had thrown away this precious right by signing the transfer forms. Again, look at the power of the pen. It is at the moment of our decision that our destiny is set (Anthony Robbins).

Twenty one years. They are not enough for me, I want more of it - the right to walk along the corridors, mingle with the girls and colleagues, and to breathe in air like champagne. How can it be possible that the years had flown by without me noticing? Why were there complaints about the hard work and the long hours? Looking back, I spent my youth there, and yet, it has also given back so much more to me.  

I have learnt the power of giving and sharing of knowledge and kindness, and the graciousness of receiving; the importance of kindling and maintaining warm relationships and my ability to contribute to a cause I hold so dear in my heart. I have been witness to its beauty and splendour, and the beauty of its inhabitants.

If I could, I would shout out loud to everyone there: Treasure the present moment you are here, it won't last. It is your second home for too brief a spell.

   

Farewell to MGS

I thought the surgery was the worst possible thing that could happen this year (despite the fact that it made me healthier in all aspects).

Yesterday was one of the most painful days in my life. The worst part is knowing that this time I had heroically chosen to leave the MGS, my second home, thinking that going to another all-girls' school on promotion is a "calling" and it would be better in every aspects, especially the workload. I had not expected to go to sleep feeling very sad, and waking up feeling worse.

The parting ceremony was such a sad one. MGS once again rose to the occasion, even with such short notice. Writing the speech was hard, delivering it was a feat. From the podium, I could see the girls' faces, and many of my 5 Accounts girls and dear friends were openly crying. I am sure the audience were held in suspense as to whether I could finish giving it. KH, Lin and Jean were also there. Later Gawery told me that she felt touched to see KH crying, and I told her that I myself had never seen him cry.

After the surgery, Jean and Lin told me that now they know how much he loves me. I have often doubted it myself. Yesterday, it was confirmed.

Going back on track, I feel so grateful to everyone in the school for recognising my contributions and putting in so much efforts to make the occasion a memorable one for Puan Nazihah and me. I am so grateful to Encik Latiff, the UAL Senior Manager for appearing just to hand me a gift. My girls, especially the
4SS1, 4 Accounts and 5 Accounts girls were such darlings.

In the midst of packing and tying up loose ends, I recalled Ma's saying about how difficult it is to build a house, and yet how easy it is to demolish it. How true, and yet I had thrown away this part of my life with my own hands when I signed the transfer form.    

During the last 20 minutes, I entered 5 Accounts to bid them farewell. That was when all initial doubts I had about leaving came flooding back. At one point, someone asked how I could had chosen to leave, and I agreed that I was wrong to them. I realised that these girls, who had always been so careful with everyone's feelings, especially mine, did not dispute me then. I felt like I had actually given away one of my children. After lunch with my dear colleagues, Puan Lim told me that they feel it is okay for them to leave us, but we can never leave them. Why didn't I think of that retort in the class then?

I will miss everything in the school so - the little bungalow, so cosy, and the majestic main building, etc. Within it are all the inhabitants - the teachers, clerks,cleaners and students. Just like me, the school house them for a period of time, before they too move on. As we breathe in the MGS air, the MGS blood flow in our veins.

Sins of parents

Being a (good) parent is the toughest job in the world. Certain mistakes or even mere inadequacies have huge repercussions on our children.

I have seen the effects of my own weaknesses and errors of judgment on my children's emotions and behaviour. So the saying "What goes around comes around" is completely true, because my strengths are also reflected in them.

I see the hurt in the young ones' eyes from past mistakes of parents. It is impossible to undo the past, and it is futile to keep blaming ourselves. All we as parents can do is to make conscious efforts to prevent repeats of our mistakes. In order for our children to thrive and grow, we have the huge obligation of creating and maintaining the right environment.

Maybe like what I always preach to them, the best part about living is, as long as we have time and presence of mind, we always have a chance to better ourselves and things around us. To be thankful for what we have will bring greater happiness. Isn't that what life is all about? The search for happiness.

Twenty first anniversary as a mom

What a wonderful day today has been for me and Lin.

Has it really been twenty one years since I gave birth to her? It was a difficult pregnancy due to the fears I had after contracting chicken pox during the nineteenth week. Despite my cousin-in-law doctor's advice to look at the 99% chances that the baby would be healthy, being the pessimist I was, I was in constant turmoil. My mother said that seeing her jump when a nurse accidentally dropped something was the sweetest sight. Everyone had expected her to have a "defect", and my mother had feared a hearing disability. She had a wonderful complexion, and was very alert and bright. What a blessing and relief it had been for all of us.

Being thrust into the role as a mother was not easy for me to accept. I think I blundered more than most other moms. However, come to think of it, I have not improved that much by the time it came to being a mother the fifth time.

2-in-1 soup.

Tada ! :D

Pepperoni Pizza.

Free birthday sundae *YUM*

Some waiter took a picture for us :D

Bright, energetic, vibrant and cheerful, yet Lin can also be so naive and moody. What a turbulent road it has been for both her parents and her. However, I choose to stop worrying and to look forward to a happy future for her. Happy 21st birthday, Lin!

Life goes on

Today is the fourth day since I started working. I still get tired easily, and my memory and thinking skills seem to have deteriorated. Hopefully, this too will recover as I fully regain my strength.

Reflected this morning that apart from three men teachers in our school,  I am the only one 'uterusless' and 'cervixless'. Not a very pleasant thought, doubtless, but life goes on.

I realise that too many women are selfless and self-sacrificing, especially if they are mothers. Do we pamper ourselves enough? Do we all have a bucket list? Are all the guilt trips we take whenever we buy something for ourselves necessary? Until  I took off my jewellery at the bank before the surgery, did it dawn fully upon me that I had come to this world empty-handed. Retail therapy is still so much fun right now. I am still in a euphoria, celebrating life, family and health.

Life after hysterectomy

It is amazing how things can work out when the time is right. Right now, everything is pre-hysterectomy or post-hysterectomy. I call the during-hysterectomy "the twilight zone" because it was like a Bermuda Triangle of my consciousness.

Although for the past 10 years, the 'threat' of a hysterectomy due to fibroids had been a nagging fear, I would never had intentionally walked into Dr Tan, my gynaecologist's office and announce that I was finally ready for it. It took extreme stress at the workplace and home to cause my physical meltdown on 21 May when I was with Khong, my ever faithful brother at his Chinese sinseh's clinic. When the pain struck, it was debilitating, and took away every ounce of my self-confidence. Fortunately, KH (OMITH) was able to reach the clinic in a short time. I had found myself with acupuncture needles. By the time we reached the hospital, I was an emotional wreck. However, the sight of the wheelchair jolted me into fury - that is, until I realised I could not get down from the car.

The GP at the ER, Dr Azizal was a most understanding young doctor. He listened to me, then shared his views about the suffering his own mom had gone through before her hysterectomy. He reminded me that I had reached the crossroad where I had to decide whether I wanted a quality life. KH and I were at Dr Tan's clinic  on Monday. He was very decisive - after hearing the ordeal I had gone through, he called and booked the urologist and surgery room on 2 June. I had sealed my fate then.

The next few days was a flurry of activities - marking my exam papers, handing over my duties in school and getting my will drawn up by my lawyer. KH and Khong were upset with the latter action, but Mr Karuna, my lecturer would have been proud of me.

When the time is right, everything in the universe seemed to align itself. I finished marking at 11 the night before surgery, spoke to my sister who had undergone the same op two years ago, and struggled to fall asleep. We (minus Jean, who was sitting for crucial exams) arrived at the hospital at 6a.m. To cut a long story short, everything went accordingly. The only difference was that the surgery took 4 hours instead of the expected 90 minutes, and the fibroids were bigger than we expected. Dr Tan lived up to his reputation as a skilled surgeon. His positive attitude was very contagious.

Weird, but I recall the feeling of immense health and lightness the minute I regained consciousness. I am still on leave, and enjoying every minute as a lady of leisure till this Friday. Up to now, everything that had gone wrong has been corrected. How blessed I am to have such a supportive family and kind friends and colleagues. What an eventful year this is, and it is just reaching the halfway point!

DAILY GRIND OF LIFE

It is shocking how time flies. I often wish that I can freeze time to keep the precious moments in my life - the sassy comments, heartwarming gifts, hugs, kisses and emotional breakthroughs we have. What happened to the little cherubs, toddlers, girls we cherished? Lost through dimensions of time or kept in hidden folds of our hearts?  All too soon, they have become young ladies. I must catch hold of them before they disappear again.

I brought Wan to the doctor this afternoon. She had a swollen lymph node, nothing serious or requiring medication. However, it did bring on a lot of advice on drinking enough water. She used to laugh when I called her a "troublesome" child and list her physical ailments which had made my blood pressure escalate. I promised to give a detailed list to her future husband, and the response was, "That does it - I am not marrying a Chinese who can understand all you just mentioned."

On the way home today, Chien asked me if I have ever had the feeling that someone is watching me while I sleep. To allay her fears, she was advised to say her fears, and ask whoever is watching her to watch her little  sisters instead. That brought on guffaws of laughter, but hopefully it will ward off bedtime jitters I thought she had overcome.

Happy birthday

Today was as hectic as other school days. If I had a built in meter, the gauge would show that I have reached the last bar of my daily energy level, i.e. the zombie level. This happens on most working days. I often wondered if the children realised this too, until one day, I asked Khing if she knew what my repeated "Mm hmm" meant. She looked at me straight in the eye and replied, "It means you are not listening?"

I suppose they are entitled to their own opinions too. Wan once told me that she knew my "Maybe later" meant "Never" and "We will decide after we hear what Papa says" meant we would do it my way.

Chien and I went shopping after school to get the OMITH's (only male in the house) birthday gift and a cake. Wan and Khing are busy making him cards and flowers (fabric) now. Eating out is out of question on weekdays. I recall Chien getting a piece of paper to write a contract to eat out before I changed my mind.

Everyone is looking forward to dinner tonight.

Happy birthday, OMITH and Joshua!!!  

MEMOIRS OF A MEAN MOM

This is the second blog I created today. I have always wanted to share my thoughts, especially with my children.

                                                               Wan, Lin, Chien, Jean, Khing

                                                                         Wan, Chien, Khing

The title itself has been an issue of controversy. Wan, who will soon be 12 (going on 20) suggested "Memoirs of  a Nagging Mean Mom". To take it in a positive note, I suppose it does officially prove that I do qualify as a Mean Mom.

I am sure many will agree that being a mother of daughter(s) is not an easy task. Well, imagine being a mom of five daughters (0 sons). Apart from the usual trials and tribulations of "parenting", the constant fears about whether the right thing had been done has added to the grey hair.

It was a pleasant surprise to open my car boot today and find a belated Mother's day bag and home made card from Yi Lin. After countless arguments and mini dramas, I do count my blessings that she doesn't bear grudges. I hope she knows it is because I know her potential that I am often particularly hard on her.

Jean has been worrying about which course papers to sign up for the last few weeks. After numerous discussions, we are still leaving the final decision to her, and hope that she knows we are behind her all the way, whatever she decides.

Chien skipped school today because of the rash she developed on her face since Friday. It is back to exam time tomorrow.

It is time to go down and break up the congkak party downstairs, because Khing has her music lesson in a short while. Just thinking about checking that their homework is completed, school bags arranged, revision for tomorrow's exams done, etc., is intimidating.

I can imagine going after Wan with "Hey, come back here! I have not finished nagging yet!"

                                                                                    Lin

                                                                                Dinner out