It has been four weeks since the surgery. In two days time, it will be back to the grind-stone. Only difference is, I have learnt a very expensive lesson not to push myself to the limit. I look forward to seeing my students and colleagues again. It has been blissful, staying at home or going out at my whim and fancy. I thank God for my swift recovery, and in many ways, I feel healthier than before. I count my blessing over something most people take for granted - the ability to pass urine easily.
I feel like I have been given a new lease of life. I have enjoyed each day at home, devoting my time entirely to myself, the children and KH.
Thursday, December 31, 2015
NEW BEGINNING
It is the start of 2016. My heart had been full of expectations of a fresh start after a difficult year. What I did not expect was a complete melt down on the very last day of 2015. I had always felt that I had put up a good front, that is, until yesterday.
It was a relatively small problem that triggered the breakdown - just a bad personal teaching time table. At first I treated it as something that should not matter to a teacher, especially one who was always set to give her best. However, I did not realize it had mattered so much because I could not even complete my personal file, a menial task. To cut a horrid story short, I drove home in tears. It was the first time in my career that I couldn't cope with school work to this extent.
Throughout last year, I was juggling tasks which even the principal had described as unfair, and the time table was the last straw. To be fair, she has always been very appreciative and considerate. During the drive home, I realized the reason for the melt down - it was the first new year without Pa. The hectic school and home activities throughout 2015 had kept me from dwelling on it. In fact, my young colleagues had saluted me for being so strong, not knowing that I was still raw with emotions and I couldn't even discuss it.
It was the first mooncake festival, winter solstice, Christmas, Yi Khing getting straight A's (without Pa calling to ask), Jean's first job, Lin wanting to change jobs, Wan and Chien doing well in their studies. I suppose we will all continue to cope without him in our own ways. Our elders advise us that we will become stronger with each storm. I will continue to keep him in a special corner of my heart.
Coincidentally, I had spent days searching for a misplaced envelope containing momentoes of Pa's demise. KH found it and gave it to me early yesterday morning, the start of an emotional day. I had been upset with myself for misplacing it.
With prayer filled hopes that 2016 will bring much joy and good health to everyone, life will go on. We celebrate being alive, and with it, brings the increased capacity to embrace everything that comes our way. Wishing that everyone will have a happy and fulfilling year ahead.
Wednesday, June 10, 2015
Grieving Process
Grieving Process
After the collection of ashes at crematorium and laying it to rest, I followed Kok Hong to JB. Wan and Khing were left with Ma, Lin was working and Chien was in college. Jean was still in the dark, we chose to wait till her exams were over because she was stone in London.
I decided life had returned to normal, and I had cried enough. The empty void was a pain, and I missed Pa desperately. I had largely ignored him when he was around, but he was always there to refer to whenever I needed him. Sitting alone in the hotel room, I couldn't write the action study I had begun earlier. The words couldn't come, and I was mostly lazing around texting and watching tv in the hotel room.
Kor's words gave me a jolt. "It takes time to heal." I had wanted to move on, but my heart was still overflowing with memories and the feeling of loss. I made a decision to grieve at my own pace, give myself time to come to terms. Because of our father-daughter bond, I realized that it would take some time for me to accept my loss. I had told Erne tha Gonggong would always be in our hearts, but I was the one who couldn't bear the pain. I decided to come home and not attend the 7th day memorial service, instead of wallowing in self-pity. KH immediately came back to drive me home when I told him about my decision. We arrived at home at 3 am, and I knew I had made the right decision. Pa and Ma would understand if I couldn't make it, they always made allowances for me.
The memorial service was simple, I was late arriving. Ma was very happy I was there, saying the ceremony was complete with all of us there. Again, there was a black and white bird with a fantail hopping near my car when I arrived at the columbarium. Was it you, Pa? How I hope it was. Ma said Pa had always been very fond of me. In the hospital, he showed response when she told him I was in KL and not coming to see him again. I had seen the same response when I called him via face time. I had made the mistake of not going to Penang immediately with KH, but I was worried that Wan would arrive home alone after tuition.
Lessons I have learnt....
1. There is window period for things, and we may never get the same options again.
2. Family comes first always. Everyone grieves in different ways, and we must give each other
support.
Ma has become frail. She is keeping busy by cooking. I will make time for her more. The plan is to go to Ibaraki during the long school holidays. The main worry now is when she stays in the apartment alone. Uncle Jay likened her to an oak tree, not a willow tree. He said she is the real stuff, not a cultured pearl. He is right. In keeping with Pa's last words, I will do my part and cherish her even more.
After the collection of ashes at crematorium and laying it to rest, I followed Kok Hong to JB. Wan and Khing were left with Ma, Lin was working and Chien was in college. Jean was still in the dark, we chose to wait till her exams were over because she was stone in London.
I decided life had returned to normal, and I had cried enough. The empty void was a pain, and I missed Pa desperately. I had largely ignored him when he was around, but he was always there to refer to whenever I needed him. Sitting alone in the hotel room, I couldn't write the action study I had begun earlier. The words couldn't come, and I was mostly lazing around texting and watching tv in the hotel room.
Kor's words gave me a jolt. "It takes time to heal." I had wanted to move on, but my heart was still overflowing with memories and the feeling of loss. I made a decision to grieve at my own pace, give myself time to come to terms. Because of our father-daughter bond, I realized that it would take some time for me to accept my loss. I had told Erne tha Gonggong would always be in our hearts, but I was the one who couldn't bear the pain. I decided to come home and not attend the 7th day memorial service, instead of wallowing in self-pity. KH immediately came back to drive me home when I told him about my decision. We arrived at home at 3 am, and I knew I had made the right decision. Pa and Ma would understand if I couldn't make it, they always made allowances for me.
The memorial service was simple, I was late arriving. Ma was very happy I was there, saying the ceremony was complete with all of us there. Again, there was a black and white bird with a fantail hopping near my car when I arrived at the columbarium. Was it you, Pa? How I hope it was. Ma said Pa had always been very fond of me. In the hospital, he showed response when she told him I was in KL and not coming to see him again. I had seen the same response when I called him via face time. I had made the mistake of not going to Penang immediately with KH, but I was worried that Wan would arrive home alone after tuition.
Lessons I have learnt....
1. There is window period for things, and we may never get the same options again.
2. Family comes first always. Everyone grieves in different ways, and we must give each other
support.
Ma has become frail. She is keeping busy by cooking. I will make time for her more. The plan is to go to Ibaraki during the long school holidays. The main worry now is when she stays in the apartment alone. Uncle Jay likened her to an oak tree, not a willow tree. He said she is the real stuff, not a cultured pearl. He is right. In keeping with Pa's last words, I will do my part and cherish her even more.
Monday, June 8, 2015
Pa
12 days since Pa's collapse in Ji Chek's house.
He had wanted to visit Ji Chek after his knee replacement operation. When Pa and Ma arrived in Penang on 29 May 2015, Friday, Pa was hale and hearty, and walked so fast that Marsini had to ask him to slow down. He had also enjoyed thoroughly the ayam percik Ma brought. As usual, he was often outside the house for a puff. Later, they found him on the floor at the dining area. He was brought to Adventist Hospital, and drifted into a deep slumber. He hardly roused from his sleep, even when we called him. In His mercy, God did not let him suffer. There was an imperceptible squeeze of his fingers when I called him. Most noticeable was his sudden response two days later , when I called him via face time with Sean. I take it as his acknowledgement of his daughter's plea for it.
Kor arrived on Thursday. She spent 2 hours talking to him, and he accepted Christ by mouthing the words, repeating after Kor. She told him to release everything and follow Christ. Tears flowed from his eyes, and he gave his last breath at 1.40 pm with Sean and Luan by his side.
Things happened very fast then. They bought him new clothes to wear, and they followed him back to KL in the hearse. On his last journey back, they passed the apartment where they made a turn, upon Sean's request.
Upon his arrival that night at Nirvana Memorial, Sungai Besi, we were waiting for him. The wake was held the next evening, where Isaac and Khong gave eulogies. The funeral was on Sunday 2pm and he was cremated around 4pm. Yesterday, we collected his ashes, where it was laid to rest facing the trees, with the sound of birds chirping in the trees and Christian music played in background. Ironically, at home, in the morning, a black and white bird with a fantail came near the kitchen window, chirping at me for a few minutes. How I want to believe it is Pa, giving me his final farewell. Pa, rest in peace.....
You have given me life and my health. Without fail, you would make sure we bathed by 5pm, put on jackets, often despite our complaints. You encouraged us to study hard, saying boys and girls are endowed with the same capabilities. Yes, life had been harsh on you, and it had taken a toll on your own marital happiness, but you did all you could to keep us together. You walked me to the Football Association to study when I complained of the noise at home. Typical of your kind heart, you had given shelter to so many of my cousins, uncles and aunts, checking on their education. During your funeral, all had shed tears and remembered your contribution to them.
Because of you, I had forged my way to university, the same way Khong, Sean and Luan did. Tua ci took the longer, arduous way, but you had always been so proud of her achievements in the bank. You had stood you by her decision to be a Christian, the same way you gave full support to all of our choices in life.
Despite my own misgivings about getting married, I had received your letter and obeyed your advice. You were there every step of the way during my wedding, and had taken care of me when I gave birth to Lin, your first grandchild. You had taken care of me during confinement, making sure every part of me was warm, and I did not touch cold water at all. Pa, today I don't have a single body ache because of your care, and I can't thank you enough for it.
Pa, life is full of ups and downs, but because of your love and pride in us, today, all of us are strong and united. You are right that money can be a problem, but education will always be our mainstay. It is also because of your belief in education that I have always worked so hard. Pa, you have given us so much shelter that I often took you for granted. Today, I realize I have no one to celebrate Father's Day, and again I wallowed in self-pity. However, I remembered your last words that it is not worth it to regret because you are already at a far away place and will never come back.
Pa, all of us know you are at a beautiful place and at peace with yourself too. We, your children and grandchildren will continue to work hard in your legacy. We will take great care of Ma, love of your life and never let her be in want of anything. Pa, rest in peace. We love you.
He had wanted to visit Ji Chek after his knee replacement operation. When Pa and Ma arrived in Penang on 29 May 2015, Friday, Pa was hale and hearty, and walked so fast that Marsini had to ask him to slow down. He had also enjoyed thoroughly the ayam percik Ma brought. As usual, he was often outside the house for a puff. Later, they found him on the floor at the dining area. He was brought to Adventist Hospital, and drifted into a deep slumber. He hardly roused from his sleep, even when we called him. In His mercy, God did not let him suffer. There was an imperceptible squeeze of his fingers when I called him. Most noticeable was his sudden response two days later , when I called him via face time with Sean. I take it as his acknowledgement of his daughter's plea for it.
Kor arrived on Thursday. She spent 2 hours talking to him, and he accepted Christ by mouthing the words, repeating after Kor. She told him to release everything and follow Christ. Tears flowed from his eyes, and he gave his last breath at 1.40 pm with Sean and Luan by his side.
Things happened very fast then. They bought him new clothes to wear, and they followed him back to KL in the hearse. On his last journey back, they passed the apartment where they made a turn, upon Sean's request.
Upon his arrival that night at Nirvana Memorial, Sungai Besi, we were waiting for him. The wake was held the next evening, where Isaac and Khong gave eulogies. The funeral was on Sunday 2pm and he was cremated around 4pm. Yesterday, we collected his ashes, where it was laid to rest facing the trees, with the sound of birds chirping in the trees and Christian music played in background. Ironically, at home, in the morning, a black and white bird with a fantail came near the kitchen window, chirping at me for a few minutes. How I want to believe it is Pa, giving me his final farewell. Pa, rest in peace.....
You have given me life and my health. Without fail, you would make sure we bathed by 5pm, put on jackets, often despite our complaints. You encouraged us to study hard, saying boys and girls are endowed with the same capabilities. Yes, life had been harsh on you, and it had taken a toll on your own marital happiness, but you did all you could to keep us together. You walked me to the Football Association to study when I complained of the noise at home. Typical of your kind heart, you had given shelter to so many of my cousins, uncles and aunts, checking on their education. During your funeral, all had shed tears and remembered your contribution to them.
Because of you, I had forged my way to university, the same way Khong, Sean and Luan did. Tua ci took the longer, arduous way, but you had always been so proud of her achievements in the bank. You had stood you by her decision to be a Christian, the same way you gave full support to all of our choices in life.
Despite my own misgivings about getting married, I had received your letter and obeyed your advice. You were there every step of the way during my wedding, and had taken care of me when I gave birth to Lin, your first grandchild. You had taken care of me during confinement, making sure every part of me was warm, and I did not touch cold water at all. Pa, today I don't have a single body ache because of your care, and I can't thank you enough for it.
Pa, life is full of ups and downs, but because of your love and pride in us, today, all of us are strong and united. You are right that money can be a problem, but education will always be our mainstay. It is also because of your belief in education that I have always worked so hard. Pa, you have given us so much shelter that I often took you for granted. Today, I realize I have no one to celebrate Father's Day, and again I wallowed in self-pity. However, I remembered your last words that it is not worth it to regret because you are already at a far away place and will never come back.
Pa, all of us know you are at a beautiful place and at peace with yourself too. We, your children and grandchildren will continue to work hard in your legacy. We will take great care of Ma, love of your life and never let her be in want of anything. Pa, rest in peace. We love you.
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