Grieving Process

Grieving Process

After the collection of ashes at crematorium and laying it to rest, I followed Kok Hong to JB. Wan and Khing were left with Ma, Lin was working and Chien was in college. Jean was still in the dark, we chose to wait till her exams were over because she was stone in London.

I decided life had returned to normal, and I had cried enough. The empty void was a pain, and I missed Pa desperately. I had largely ignored him when he was around, but he was always there to refer to whenever I needed him. Sitting alone in the hotel room, I couldn't write the action study I had begun earlier. The words couldn't come, and I was mostly lazing around texting and watching tv in the hotel room.

Kor's words gave me a jolt. "It takes time to heal." I had wanted to move on, but my heart was still overflowing with memories and the feeling of loss. I made a decision to grieve at my own pace, give myself time to come to terms. Because of our father-daughter bond, I realized that it would take some time for me to accept my loss. I had told Erne tha Gonggong would always be in our hearts, but I was the one who couldn't bear the pain. I decided to come home and not attend the 7th day memorial service, instead of wallowing in self-pity. KH immediately came back to drive me home when I told him about my decision. We arrived at home at 3 am, and I knew I had made the right decision. Pa and Ma would understand if I couldn't make it, they always made allowances for me.

The memorial service was simple, I was late arriving. Ma was very happy I was there, saying the ceremony was complete with all of us there. Again, there was a black and white bird with a fantail hopping near my car when I arrived at the columbarium. Was it you, Pa? How I hope it was. Ma said Pa had always been very fond of me. In the hospital, he showed response when she told him I was in KL and not coming to see him again. I had seen the same response when I called him via face time. I had made the mistake of not going to Penang immediately with KH, but I was worried that Wan would arrive home alone after tuition.

Lessons I have learnt....
1. There is window period for things, and we may never get the same options again.
2. Family comes first always. Everyone grieves in different ways, and we must give each other
    support.

Ma has become frail. She is keeping busy by cooking. I will make time for her more. The plan is to go to Ibaraki during the long school holidays. The main worry now is when she stays in the apartment alone. Uncle Jay likened her to an oak tree, not a willow tree. He said she is the real stuff, not a cultured pearl. He is right. In keeping with Pa's last words, I will do my part and cherish her even more.